August 29, 2014

Do My Words Have Worth?

A few small moments of reading two anonymous comments on older posts of mine, reading along the lines of, Oh c'mon. Get a life and grow up. They stung a little. And I deleted them. This happened a few months ago. I have moments now where these comments come back to taunt me and my written voice here. 
Do my words matter?
Do they have value here?
I'll be upfront and say I don't write for anybody on this blog or even as I write my novels. I'm not about keeping up with popular blogging trends, gaining readership for numbers and stats. Disclaimer: This is not to say I begrudge others their own blogging success or judge the number of followers on other blogs. To each their happy own.
I'm not going to strive to please people with my words, because the words fall flat and aren't genuine.
So why do those anonymous comments still haunt me and bring me down?
Because they spiral me downward into the thoughts of, Why bother writing? Who cares what you have to say? You write repetitively. You haven't lived much life to really write about. And that isn't even mentioning the comparison game I fall into with other blogs I read. 
This is a very real struggle for me; it's difficult to be transparent about them when it's easier to spin words over the surface and not share my imperfect, learning heart. It's why I took a quiet step back away from blogging this past month even though I had only just published my first novel.
It's a battle of my mind. I have the choice to either dwell on these self-harmful thoughts, or rebuke them in Jesus' name that says I am redeemed. A precious daughter of God who has many, many words to write for Him alone. 
Writing here about anything and everything is truly cathartic for me. The Lord speaks to me as I type hurriedly, and in those moments where I type hesitantly, like this post. My life is simple, good and full. I am learning much, loving much and I would honestly not change a thing. No--not even my relationship status. 
So why do I write here?
Because my words are my heart.
My words spill forth because of the calling my loving Lord has placed upon my life. And because of Him and His renewing work in my life--my words matter.
In addition:
What I mean by saying I don't write for "anybody" is that I don't write to please people or to keep the numbers up. I love the friendships, writerly camaraderie and fellowship we bloggers have and I am grateful to God for you.