April 12, 2015

Tears are prayers, too


This sums up yesterday for me. 
Living with chronic pain from my hip dysplasia for ten-plus years, I can honestly say I don't think I've ever prayed that God take it away. I can honestly say I've never even thought to pray that, or even for God to make a way to lessen my pain. My resentment was the big struggle those first years and moments up through now. The age-old, Why, God? 
I wrote that struggle and the deep levels I went through and came out of closer to God, in my book through the main characters.
I recently went into a doctor's appointment thinking I'd hear the same thing I had assumed--first mistake--since my diagnosis. Both hips replaced at an older age.
Long story not over yet, that's not exactly the case but what God dropped into my lap Friday afternoon is huge. Scary-huge. Reality-shaking news.
Friday, I was told of a tremendous opportunity not without a need for incredible blind-faith in a myriad of issues surrounding it. I like to say God dropped my job in my lap almost four years ago, and He did.
But this...this gift is one, while not officially decided, is one I am knocked on my butt blindsided by.
Hence my tears.
I can't go into tremendous detail, but I have confidence that when I am able to share in full, it'll all be to the glory of God.
I dampened my sweet dad's shirt Saturday night as the congregation sang, God is Able by Hillsong. I've never lost it in church as I did Saturday night. And you know what--that's okay. 

God is on our side
He will make a way
Far above all we know
Far above all we hope
He has done great things
For the Lord
Our God is able
For the Lord
Our God is able

You number my wanderings; put my tears into Your bottle; are they not in Your book? Ps. 56:8

I've cried plenty of times. Especially when wrestling with resentment and questioning and I'm not above admitting it--plain old ugly anger. And all our tears, from the ones of heartbreak to the happy tears, God sees. He doesn't judge us for them. Far from it. 
And for this stubborn, tries-to-stay-strong-too-much girl--that's freeing right there. 
It's His grace.
It's Jesus.
 We do not have a High Priest who cannot sympathize with our weaknesses, but was in all points tempted as we are, yet without sin. Let us therefore come boldly to the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy and find grace to help in time of need.
Hebrews 4:15&16
The shortest and one of the most impactful verses in Scripture, is only two words:
Jesus wept.
Our Lord and Savior wept. He asked that the cup of suffering be taken from Him as He faced going to the Cross. But He finished with, Not My will, but Yours be done.
Half the time, I confess to skipping past the first part, asking in full faith that God is able, to have the cup of suffering removed. I skip right to the big sigh, the downcast eyes and tired heart that prays wholeheartedly, Not my will but Yours be done.
There is to be a balance of bold questions asked in faith, but on the same scale, a counter-weight of surrender that breathes out utter trust in our Heavenly Father that He holds our whole world in His hands.