Dear 2015 | Thus Far

 Dear twenty-fifteen,
I think back and how I was bemused by the fact that I had no clue what you would hold other than one of my best friend's getting married, my siblings going on a short-term mission's trip, and me staying at the same old job I had held since 2011, writing away and continuing the (agonizing) quest for publication. Oh, I had hopes though, but tried to focus on embracing 2015 free from condemnation, expectations and especially fear. You were a truly freeing year. A year that, had I been given a full play-by-play this time in 2014, I would've curled up into a ball and hid.

Despite the challenges, your pages unfurled as they always do in the form of celebrating new friends' special someones, celebrating singleness in Virginia on Valentines Day with the dearest of Rachel's, and receiving such helpful feedback on the opening of my Amongst the Roses. Per this sorely-missed friend I wrote about here, I found my doctor/surgeon who held the guest-starring role in 2015's first plot twist. A major reconstructive hip surgery was booked for none other than my 22nd birthday. Another beginning to a new year.
Atop the PA monument overlooking Gettysburg

The first half of your summer was spent in a whirlwind of bittersweet emotions and constant surrendering many "why's." It saw me spend perhaps the best visit yet over a long weekend with my Idaho sister (and her now-husband!) just two weeks after going to my favorite place on earth with my favorite people--Gettysburg.
Looking back and trying not to have regrets, I wish I would've let go of my fear that my life was over to more fully enjoy my family, my favorite city...but therein such happiness before the surgery, God carried me. Sometimes kicking and screaming.

And then just before my birthday/surgery, my dearest friends locked arms to surprise me with an overflowing basket of kindness and love to remind me how loved and covered in prayer I was. This summer, before and after the surgery, bears a lot of tearstained pages. Tearstained pages wiped dry with so much grace, provision and such amazing love.

Twenty-fifteen--you were so not what I expected. From day one to today, the last day that finds me humming Amazing Grace's: twas grace that brought me safe, thus far...

Tracing the tapestry of every day, every hour that has seen quite possibly the most physical pain as well as heart-ache, I am floored. Still could wonder why the broken, reconstructed bones from July are now in need of total replacement in a month and a half...but through it all and through certainly no effort of my own, I've lived. I traveled, I invested and let others invest in me, I've written more than I have since I was in high school, I went out on a date, gained some confidence, I got stronger.

2015 found a new strength through such hard trials that seemed to stretch on forever--and it's not my strength. It's His. Not the strength gained from my amazing support network of heart-friends and the best family ever. I learned that my worth is not in what I do or contribute--because everything I could do was stripped away and I was the one needing served, and I find myself in that place yet again.

2015 ends with me in a place I hoped to not be in again. Ever, if I'm being honest. This last month has been a whirlwind, new hardships, more pain, and I have to fight for joy and cheer every single day more than ever. But it's a fight that the power of Christ in me will win if I refuse to choose despair and doubt. 2015 finds me jobless, still single, not driving and knocked on my behind again because of my hip disability. I could say that 2016 can only go up from here, but it scares the living crap out of me. And yet, despite the dark unknown--there is hope in front of me.

Twenty-fifteen, you were tough. Humbling. Freeing. I can wish until I turn purple that I didn't waste so much of you in doubt and self-pity. But hey. I'm human. And am not bound by that humanity--but free indeed in Him who is my hope, my joy and strength. Despite how this year ended up being so far from what I could've ever imagined--I am grateful. Not simply because this is New Year's Eve and we all get introspective and sentimental...but because of God who became so much nearer and dearer to me these last 365 days.


Words, history, and grace color my days here in The Burgh where I seek out the perfect coffee and red lipstick.

1 comment:

  1. I hope that this year brings you more wisdom and closer to God and He brings you through trials, tears, hardships, and pain right along side the joys, laughter, friendships, hope, peace and victories. I would love for you to stop by on Wednesdays and share your stories with us at Sitting Among Friends. This week's linkup is at


Pull up a chair, grab a cup of something hot or cold to drink, and enjoy. I love making new friends!