Making Lemonade | An Update


I wrote the last post six days ago. I had only been thinking on the last year and how crazy it was--and I wrote it from a heart excited and ready for the future now that I was literally back on my feet. What I did not include in that post was that I was in pain, but I thought I overdid it. I got through an evening of work (what turned out to be my last day at the greatest job I could've ever asked for), came home barely able to walk to my front door. And the pain did not go down despite ice, rest and anti-inflammatories.
The pain was still there, still intense the next day whenever I walked. And so I spent the day in bed on my day off, then I called off work the rest of the week because despite every day of bedrest, every time I got up the pain took my breath away and my balance was off. We made an appointment with my doctor not knowing what to expect to hear the reason for this sudden increased pain after a good month of growing stronger, driving, working again, therapy...

I prayed for answers to this, the worst case scenario looming unbelievably in the back of my mind--that another surgery would be necessary due to me overdoing it. A lot of anxiety was battled, many confused prayers and requests were made in the days before my doctor's appointment and as soon as the doctor came in after reviewing my xrays with, "So I'm not happy," my heart fell. I was half-right in my worst-case scenario that I truly could never have predicted after having those weeks of happily getting back to life.

July's surgery, due to the infection and subsequent second surgery, did not stick. My right hip is coming up and out of the socket despite the four pins inside. Hence my pain. The doctor said even if I had spent double the time off not putting weight on my right side, this still would have happened. I'm set with prescriptions, on orders to rest and not put full weight on it, therapy is cancelled and my right hip will be replaced February 9th.

I feel like the rug has been ripped out from under me yet again. Back to square one of constant rest, constant pain and life on hold yet again. Feelings of betrayal, anger, resentment, have wrung my heart sore as I face two months of waiting before I get a new hip. I look back on the five longest months of my life after the first surgery and think, "So they were all pointless. All a wash. I missed my best friend's wedding for no reason."
But that is not true, much as it seems to be. Crying jags have been the norm as so many emotions and heartache swell to the surface and emerge in tears--and I know the Holy Spirit is interceding for me with groans that cannot be expressed.

I will never know the why's. And I am done trying to figure them out. Its exhausting. God's ways are not mine, and in spite of all this that is not outside of His will, I am grateful. For my family and friends who have rallied around me with hugs, prayers, support. For the time spent at a really great job the last four years--but they need someone reliable who is able to work consistently and not in between surgeries.

There's much to make into lemonade--my sister and I are moving to our old room on the first floor prior to my surgery and I am excited. A new room, no more steps, and a place to heal with my new hip. I am getting a new hip--I can't even imagine how good it will feel.

I am counting gifts rather than the why's. And there are so many more that outnumber the unanswered questions and heartaches in this life. And that right there--all of this--is all God.
Meghan M. Gorecki
Meghan M. Gorecki

Words, history, and grace color my days here in The Burgh where I seek out the perfect coffee and red lipstick.